resistance

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OK! I will sit up and shake my head to clear the cobwebs and say “Resistance, this is war!” I am aware of you now, and your constant battle to thwart me as I attempt to create something good out of my life. As I attempt to make good. To be good. TO BE BETTER.

This is war, resistance. I am fighting back!  I will recognize you in all your guises. Your “I just need some relaxation time, need to watch a no-thinking-required netflix show…” your “My body just feels like it maybe can’t lose weight so fast, it needs to go slow, so it will be lasting” or “I can eat treats now and then, it won’t hurt me as long as I eat healthy the rest of the time” SO MANY STUPID RATIONALIZATIONS…resistance, it’s all you every time. Every damn time. It’s not me and my insecure childhood that has made me like this. EVERYONE has this problem. Everyone has resistance breathing down their neck, making them feel different, alone, like a failure, a singular defective human…but it’s all a lie! ALL HUMANS suffer under resistance and it’s constant barrage of negative self-talk or self-deceptive soothing noises. Kick it away. Bash it in it’s head. Pop the scary-looking specter that is really just a big balloon full of hot air. It’s just resistance. Bat it away like a pesky fly and GET ON WITH THE WORK YOU ARE MEANT TO BE DOING!

Tomorrow, I’ll write again. And again the next day, and the next. I will beat you resistance. And not only will I write, but I’ll put away the laundry. And I’ll straighten up the kitchen and finish the dining room chairs. I’ll make a salad and clean out the fridge. I’ll go walking on the river.

And we will see WHAT HAPPENS.

Aside

frustrated. Dishes in dishwasher were clean, but not after Mom started putting dirty ones on top of them!

UGH!

Sometimes it is so hard. This morning she came to me saying she doesn’t have any underwear. I went in her room to look for them, she had one dirty pair on the bed and one dirty pair in the drawer. Lovely. I have no idea what happened to her underwear!!! I don’t even want to know. I just gave her some of mine. Problem solved. For the moment.

Did meditation this morning before getting out of bed. I love Deepak Chopra’s voice. It’s very soothing and lovely. But the meditation part was –as always– difficult. I have a million thoughts vying for my attention. But everyone says that when they start. I know I’ll get better with time.

Food wise, I did not succumb to temptation last night! I had a plate of cold potatoes with salt instead of the cashew-date Lara bar I had my eye on. I was really telling myself why it was ok to eat the bar! Geesh! Like what the hell, I can be dissuaded from something I want to do (eat better) by MYSELF–the same damn self that wants to change! I just don’t get it sometimes. However, I was victorious (over myself!) and I feel good about that. And I am about to have a huge salad for lunch. OH–and I also took Lucie for a brisk walk this morning. Doing GOOD baby!

Saturday

sweets

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Wishing I could eat cookies right now. What am I feeling? I’m feeling like work will never end (I have 2.5 hrs left) and that I am bored. My stomach is not really hungry but a little upset. I had a lot of rice for lunch, with some ratatouille. I think I overdid it on the rice.

I am also feeling sleepy–another side effect of the rice I think.

I could use some caffeine but my tum might not like coffee or tea.

I am also feeling hot. Just turned up the fan.

OK. Got myself some walnuts and raisins.

Change?

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I feel so good & optimistic. I have felt this way before. So many times before in my life–thinking that real change is going to happen. Finally. This time. Everything will be different!

I really want to believe it this time. Must take the risk of being a fool in order to reap the reward of a truly different life for myself.

Hang in there C!!